Freedom from Fear

Fear.

It entangles me.

It captures my thoughts.

It has turned into worry. Which has turned into sin (well, not turned into sin because it is a sin).

A sin in so many areas:

1.) I don't trust God. period. Now I do trust God in some areas of my life - areas that I know are good and will be ok. But I don't trust God in areas of my life that are engulfed with fear. Areas that deal mostly with health or life & death.

2.) Lack of self-control. I know that I struggle with this yet I continue to feed my fear. I feed it through "research" online. If I have a symptom I am on webmd.com - and it normally ends with me diagnosing myself with the most rare and deadly condition. I feed it through continuously reading blogs online that are people that deal with these things. Instead of just praying for them and ending at that I am constantly following several different people that have conditions and blog on their progress or lack of progress. Now the blog world is wonderful in that it can really rally people in prayer for each other. For 99% of the population they can handle this with control - for me, that isn't the case. I empathize with them and then my mind begins to go to places it doesn't need to - I think "what would I do if that happened to me?" and "what IF that happens to me" then to "I think that WILL happen to me" - It's ridiculous. We have studied about Hezekiah the past week in Isaiah. And when he was king the Assyrians were coming to attack the city. They sent a messenger to taunt them and he spoke in a "language that they would understand." Isn't that just like Satan? He taunts us in ways we understand. He knows that my main struggle is worrying over health/life and so he is constantly putting that before me - and I am constantly entertaining that.

It is something that I have struggled with for my whole life. Just ask my parents - oh GOODNESS, Just ask my parents!!! One night I woke up with stomach pains and my mom came in and pressed on my lower abdomen. I think I was 13 or so. I asked why she did that and she said to see if I had an appendicitis. And there it began. Whenever I had abdomen pain, I would convince myself that I was having an appendicitis. Even to the point where I would have to rearrange my schedule in my head to accommodate a surgery, hospital stay, etc. (Wow! I sound more ridiculous once I write it all out then I thought it was!) If I told dad that something on me hurt he would say "Well you haven't had an appendicitis in a while, it's about time."

The problem is that I have never truly addressed this issue in my life despite many talks about it with my parents has a child and with Mike has an adult.

When I think I have dealt with it in one area it just manifests itself with something else. Example: Once I "conquered" (which I really haven't conquered it - it just went from one fear to the next) the appendicitis issue, it would turn into another health issue. A co-worker from Louisville died of a heart attack in his thirties. Every time my chest hurt, I would assume I too was having a heart attack. When the boys were born I was really into reading blogs of mom's and would often stumble upon blogs of mothers that had lost their children to SIDS or other rare disorders. This entrapped me and I battled so hard trusting the Lord with my children. I would go into their rooms at night, crying, begging with the Lord to give them long life. I still ask the Lord to give them long life - I don't think that is a wrong prayer to pray. But at that time, that prayer was out of sheer FEAR and worry over their lives.

*sigh* I guess I am a mess :/

So (all this is to get to a point) this morning I went to FBC Lyons to go to a Breaking Free Bible study. I walked in thinking, I am not sure if this study will benefit me. I really don't have anything that I need to "break free" from - you see, my thoughts of needing to be broken free from something was for those that have dealt with traumatic events in the past - whether it be serious sins of addiction or abuse or betrayal. I haven't dealt with those things therefore what would I need freedom from?

Wow! Was I wrong! The teacher said that bondage is anything that prohibits us from having an abundant life in Christ. Then it hit me - like a ton of bricks. Fear as entrapped me for so long! Since I was a child! I have lived 15+ years of my life not fully trusting God with ALL areas of my life. I trust him with some, but not with all. I need freedom from this. I need to confess this sin to the Lord, accept His grace (knowing that it isn't cheap) and walk in obedience! Obedience. Trusting the Lord is an act of obedience - and I have been disobedient.

Several thoughts that I have on this issue:
- I need to take EVERY thought captive.

- I am asking the Lord to show me more of His love and for me to Love him more - with a perfect love. For "perfect love casts out fear"

- I need to trust God. period. Trust.

- I need to practice Self-Control. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Whatever is TRUE. What is true is that God is sovereign. That God is good. Before the foundation of the world He knew me. He has a plan for my life and it is a good plan and I need to trust in that.

And finally, what have I missed out on in my life by worrying about so many things? What spiritual blessings have I missed out on?

My prayer is that in this new season - new season of studying God's word (I am still studying Isaiah on my own and will be doing this corporately), new season of ministry that I will experience TRUE freedom from the bondage of fear! Not just replacing the current fear with a new one in 6 months - but complete FREEDOM!

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17